Kyuubi vs Naruto
by Tainted Griffin
Summary: Kyuubi has a plan. A very evil plan meant to drive Naruto insane! Will it work? minor language. Abandoned and up for adoption.
1. Monday

This is purely a fanfiction and I own nothing, sadly.

Dedicated to **AutumnCherry**.

Naruto climbed out of the shower Monday morning. Expecting it to be just like any other Monday, he was taken by surprise when Kyuubi spoke up.

"**I don't know why you bother checking for armpit hair. It's never going to show up because you're too much of an idiot for it."** Naruto blinked at the insult, having to take a good five minutes to get it. Kyuubi was patient though, because the longer Naruto took, the better his point would be proven.

"Hey! Stupid fox! You don't know what you're talking about!" Naruto shouted, not realizing that since the fox had access to his mind, he didn't have to speak out loud.

'**This is easier than I expected! At this rate, I can drive the brat insane!'** Kyuubi thought. His evil plan, was 7 percent complete! His 'evil' plan included mentally torturing Naruto to insanity. Then, when Naruto had finally broke, he could get the human to release the seal!

Naruto thought that it was an isolated incident, so he went about his normal day. At least, it was normal until he tried to greet Sakura.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" he yelled waving furiously. She just gave him a dirty look and went back to stalking Sasuke.

"Sasuke-kun! Want to go on a da-"

"**Stupid bitch wouldn't know manners if it bit her in the ass."**

"Shut the hell up, stupid!" Naruto yelled at the fox. Unfortunately for him, he still hadn't figured out that he could do it in his head.

Sakura slowly turned her head to face Naruto, a scary look on her face. Sasuke perked up, wanting to see Naruto get the shit beat out of him.

"What did you just say to me, baka?" she asked in a very dangerous voice. Naruto panicked; he hadn't been talking to _her_, but he couldn't explain without mentioning Kyuubi and he didn't want to do that.

"Uh, Sakura-chan, hang on! I wasn't talking to you!" he tried to save himself. However, there was no dodging the next question.

"Oh, yeah? Then who were you talking to?" she asked, not believing him for one second. Now the question was to answer, or not to answer. Ah, decisions, decisions!

Naruto took one look at her face and almost blurted the truth, right up to the point where Kyuubi perked up his ears. Then he decided that whatever bones Sakura broke would heal, but he couldn't take back whatever words he said. He sighed in despair.

"Never mind, Sakura-chan. Could you just not smash my skull in?" he asked hopefully; he didn't really think that would heal. At all. Too bad Sakura was an abusive bitch.

"That's a great idea! It's not like anyone would miss you!" Naruto shuddered as the fox roared with laughter.

"**This is the best thing that has happened since that Mizuki guy! Finally, you do something worth watching!"** Kyuubi cheered.

"Shut the hell up, bastard fox! No one asked for your input!" Naruto screamed, tearing his hair out. Sasuke looked at him for a second.

"Looks like the dobe has finally cracked," he said depressively, like the emo he is.

Right on time, Kakashi appeared. Did I say 'on time'? I meant two hours late.

By this time, Sakura had beat Naruto and Sasuke had sat by and laughed. Or he would have if he could, instead he just smirked at Naruto's pain. Sakura had thought he was leering at her and had started to flirt with him. Actually, _try_ would be a better word.

"**It's about damn time that stupid human showed up. He was probably hanging around with Jiraya, peeping."**

"Kakashi, how could you?!" Naruto cried. The boy was so stupid that he didn't realize that Kyuubi didn't know anymore than he did. Just a few hundred thousand years of experience not-withstanding.

"Uh, do what Naruto?" Kakashi asked, startled.

"Peep on those poor women! Why, Sensei?! Why?!" Naruto cried in despair. Kyuubi started cracking up and Kakashi looked shocked.

"Me? Peep?" Kakashi was very confused by now. "Why would I do that when I have Icha Icha Paradise?"

"**Are you really going to believe that? That's what they **_**all**_** say,"** Kyuubi goaded Naruto. Really, it was just too easy!

"No!!! LIAR!" Naruto cried in distress. The rest of Team 7 stared at him.

"I'm getting Tsunade," Kakashi said before poofing away. Sakura looked mad that Naruto was being an idiot and Sasuke was, well, being emo.

"Shut up, Naruto! Look what you did! You made Kakashi-sensei leave!" Sakura shouted at him.

"Sakura!" Tsunade exclaimed, having just arrived. "Clearly Naruto is having a mental breakdown! Yelling at him will just make it worse! Didn't you learn anything from me?"

Sakura looked sheepish, but glared at Naruto when Tsunade turned toward him.

"Ok, Naruto, what's wrong?" Tsunade asked, trying to figure out the source of the problem.

"He won't shut up! He keeps talking! Why won't he shut up?!" Naruto despaired. Kyuubi snickered, thinking it wouldn't take long to finally crack Naruto Uzamaki's sanity. Tsunade and Kakashi glanced at each other.

"Who won't shut up, Naruto?" Tsunade asked cautiously.

"Kyuubi," he whispered so Sakura and Sasuke couldn't hear. Tsunade began to panic, thinking that the seal might be breaking.

"Kakashi, get some ANBU squads. Sakura, Sasuke, go home. Your training is cancelled," Tsunade said hurriedly. Kakashi poofed away again to get the ANBU, Sakura groaned in disappointment and left, and Sasuke sighed in irritation and went somewhere to continue being emo.

The ANBU arrived right then and grabbed Naruto before poofing him into a chakra-repressing cell, designed to keep him from accessing Kyuubi. Unfortunately, that didn't stop Kyuubi from talking to Naruto.

"…**You really got screwed over this time! Now what am I going to do?! Sit here?!"** Kyuubi cried, not wanting to have nothing to do except sit and be bored again.

"Shut the hell UP! No-one wants to hear you! And yes, you are supposed to just sit there! Now be QUIET!" Naruto screamed. Kyuubi snickered at his host's pain.

"**Never mind just sitting here! Torturing you is the most fun I've had in years!"** Naruto _almost_ started crying then, but Tsunade and more ANBU showed up.

_**Linebreakiamalinebreakfearme!**_

Naruto was in the same cell when he woke up the next morning. Tsunade had called Jiraya to see if there was something wrong with the seal, but he said it was fine. Until they figured out why Kyuubi could talk to Naruto, he would have to stay in the cell to keep everyone else safe from him if he got possessed.

He was so close to breaking, but then he had a nice thought! Maybe it was only for a day! Maybe Kyuubi didn't have enough strength to keep it up! Maybe-

**"Morning, Sunshine! Ready for Day 2 of the rest of your life?"**

That's when Naruto started crying.


	2. Tuesday

Once again, I don't own Naruto. It's very sad, I know.

I'm adding this chapter and plan on continuing this story because at least two people have asked me to continue. Which makes me feel really good about my writing. So reviews are loved!

"Why? Why do you torment me so?" Naruto wailed. Kyuubi snickered.

"**Because I'm bored and I've been stuck inside an idiot's head for **_**over 12 years!!!!**_** As such, I've become very bored. And you don't do anything worth watching, so…"** Kyuubi hinted. Naruto's eyes widened to an alarming degree.

"So, you're saying that you're not stopping anytime soon?" Naruto was not liking where this was going. At all.

"**Yeah, pretty much. So prepare yourself, young padawon, FOR HELL!"** Kyuubi started cackling like the super evil demon that he is. And might the authoress just say, it was a pretty darn evil chuckle.

"**Alright, you heard Tsunade yesterday! You can't let them know I can talk to you!" **

_Imminent flashback _(sorry, folks, and I was doing so well!)

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but the council has decided that if Kyuubi can talk to you, then you are in danger of losing control to him," Tsunade told him apologetically. Naruto began to freak out.

"**Oh, please. If I could take over, I would have. Stupid humans. Wouldn't know what common sense was if it ate their souls."** For once, Naruto was glad that Kyuubi could talk to him. He was too stupid to realize that this whole mess was Kyuubi's fault because he talked to him in the first place.

Kyuubi didn't.

'**I can't believe I'm sealed in such an idiot! I'm almost sorry I can hear his thoughts!' **Kyuubi thought to himself, disgusted at Naruto's lack of memory/attention span/brain cells/etc.

"It's alright, baa-chan. I can't hear him anymore! It must have been a one-day thing," Naruto quickly assured her. Tsunade gave him a satisfied nod before leaving to tell the council.

_End imminent flashback_

_**LINEBREAKIAMTHELINEBREAKOFDOOM!!!FEARMEMORTALS!!!**_

"I hate my life," Naruto muttered. _Of course_ he was the one who had to deal with a demon inside his head who was driving him up a wall. First, he tried to greet Shikamaru, only for Kyuubi to pipe up about how the name meant 'deer' and how he loved to eat deer. Then, he tried to talk to Ino so Kyuubi made a comment that since her name meant 'pig', she probably acted like one.

Was it mentioned that Kyuubi was having the time of his life?

Naruto walked up to Sakura, and tried to talk to her.

"Hello, Sakura-chan! Want to go to get some ramen with me?!" he asked exuberantly. Of course Kyuubi wasn't going to let an opportunity pass by.

"**Did you ever notice that she has a huge forehead? Maybe she can read your mind it's so big!"** Kyuubi joked at Sakura's expense. Naruto's giant smile twitched ever so slightly into what would be considered a psychopathic smile.

"No, baka! Can't you see I'm stalking Sasuke-kun?!" she screeched at him. Sasuke was close enough to hear and he sent a quiet 'thank you' to whatever god decided to give him the heads up.

"**Ooh! Rejection! You got served!" **Kyuubi howled. Naruto dejectedly made his way home.

Unfortunately, Jiraiya saw how sad Naruto looked and decided to cheer him up. He quickly gathered Kakashi and told him the brilliant plan to make Naruto cheer up.

_**IBETYOUHATELINEBREAKS!!!**_

Naruto was having a pointless argument with Kyuubi when someone knocked on the door. He quickly made his way to the door before they came in on their own, Naruto opened it to see his two sensei.

"**Well, well, well. If it isn't the perverts. Welcome, boys! Join the party!"** Kyuubi called to them. Of course they couldn't hear, but it was the thought that counted.

"Kakashi-sensei, Ero-sannin, what are you doing here?" Naruto asked loudly with a confused look on his face. He really was getting good at pretending not to hear Kyuubi.

"Hey, gaki, we're just stopping in because you looked down. And we have just the thing to cheer you up!" Jiraiya excitedly told Naruto, taking out Icha Icha Paradise Volumes I and II. "They're signed by me! Not many people can say that!"

"Yep! I had to beg for him to sign mine _and_ I had to give him a lot of sake!" Kakashi added, nodding his head. Finally, Naruto would join his teachers in their perversion! He couldn't possibly say no to this one!

"N-" Naruto started before Kyuubi burst in.

"**Say yes or I'll give you mental images of Gai naked,"** Kyuubi threatened. He was a _male_ demon after all. Naruto sighed.

"Sure, thanks, Ero-sannin," he said, not as enthusiastically as the two pervs would have liked. But, they decided, he would be more cheerful after he started the books.

"See you later, Naruto! You don't have training until tomorrow!" Kakashi told him, pleased with himself. Jiraiya gave Kakashi an approving look and Naruto a goodbye before the two of them left.

Naruto sighed heavily as he took the book to his couch, Kyuubi chuckling inside his mind in anticipation of what the book held. Sitting down and opening the book, Naruto knew he had no other choice but to read the damned thing.

_**IKNOWYOUHATETHELINEBREAK!ADMITIT!**_

"I hate you!" Naruto yelled at the mirror in his bathroom. Why, you ask? Simple. Kyuubi was giving him mental images from the Icha Icha Paradise book and since Kyuubi was in his body, Naruto figured that yelling at the mirror was the same as yelling at Kyuubi. No one ever claimed that Naruto was the sharpest kunai in the pouch. Or the country for that matter.

"_**If I knew that this would be so much fun, I would have done this years ago!"**_ Kyuubi celebrated, watching his host scream at his reflection. Which was pretty darn funny.

"**You know, kit, I'm really liking how this week is going," **Kyuubi said to Naruto, which made said idiot freeze. **"So much so that I don't think I'll stop anytime soon."**

"NOOOOOO!!!!"


	3. Wednesday

Kyuubi –vs- Naruto Chapter 3

Wednesday begins

Kyuubi is starting to make perverted comments due to the Icha Icha books

Team 7 has a mission

Naruto gets tricked into doing most of the work and begins to mutter to Kyuubi

Kyuubi takes over and annoys the team and tortures them in a round-about way

It lands him in the psycho ward of the hospital

End with Kyuubi saying that he is starting to succeed in getting out of Naruto

Wednesday was a rainy day. Not what you would expect from a fanfiction, huh?

Anyway, it wasn't just rainy, it was stormy. So stormy, in fact, that the thunder almost drowned out Kyuubi's incessant chatter. Almost. Unfortunately, that almost was good enough to save Naruto.

"…**And **_**then**_** she told me…" **Kyuubi just went on and on. Naruto was almost ready to tear his ears off.

Heading to the door, Naruto was surprised when Kyuubi stopped talking for a moment.

"**Where are you going?"** Kyuubi asked Naruto slowly, talking like Naruto was making a very stupid mistake.

"I'm going to meet my team! I have to get there on time!" Naruto exclaimed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Kyuubi sighed and Naruto got the feeling like he was missing something very obvious.

**"And you feel like you have to stand in the rain for two hours waiting for your sensei… why?"** Kyuubi asked in a tone that said Naruto was a stupid idiot. The question did make Naruto pause for a minute.

"I have to impress Sakura-chan and show Sasuke up!" Naruto exclaimed pumping his fist in the air in conviction. Once again, Kyuubi sighed in irritation.

**"How are you impressing them by being wet and cold? I think you just look a drowned rat in orange,"** Kyuubi sneered. Naruto pouted slightly.

"So what do you propose?" Naruto asked, quite proud of his new word.

**"That you wait a few hours until you know Scarecrow is going to be there. Kiss,"** Kyuubi said. Naruto started gagging and choking.

"Kiss?" he finally managed. Kyuubi smiled at having made Naruto ask.

**"Keep it simple, stupid,"** he defined it for him. Naruto found himself nodding in agreement. Kyuubi cheered at getting more sway over him.

**"Did I ever tell you that 1+1=3? Well, there was this one time…"** Kyuubi started again. Naruto didn't notice that these stories were becoming increasingly graphic. In the sense that he now knew that Kyuubi should have a lot of kits running around by now if they didn't kill each other off.

**YOUTHOUGHTIFORGOTTHELINEBREAKS!**

Naruto ran to the rest of the team. Sakura started screaming at him that he was late and Sasuke just didn't care. As usual. It turns out that Naruto got there just in time as Kakashi showed up just as Naruto joined his team.

**"You know, in this case I think 1+1+1+1=6 if you catch my drift."**

"That's gro- wait, there's only one girl here…"

**"I think of Sasuke as a girl."**

Naruto nearly started gagging at that one. The mental images started flowing in his mind, from Kyuubi, and he had the sudden urge to run. He nearly missed what Kakashi was saying.

"-mission. You will be pulling weeds in the Hyuuga Compound," Kakashi beamed at them as he said this, clearly expecting them to be pleased with a mission. Naruto, of course, didn't share this sentiment.

"What! Why are we doing stupid stuff like this if we're ninja?" Naruto shouted at him, trying to act normal.

**THEREAREMORELINEBREAKS!**

"Stupid people making me do all the work," Naruto grumbled. Sakura was fawning over Sasuke, who was ignoring her, and Kakashi was reading his porno novel and 'supervising' the mission.

**"Well, you could always let me help,"** Kyuubi tried. Naruto paused for a second, thinking it over.

"How could you help, stupid fox?" Naruto asked, not really paying attention to what could happen. Kyuubi smirked.

**"You could let me take over. I would get this done faster,"** Kyuubi pushed a little farther.

"Only if you promise to do the mission and not hurt anyone!" Naruto declared.

**"On my word as a demon lord." ** That was good enough for Naruto. He let Kyuubi take over.

**"I'm finally out! Take that Shukaku!" **Kyuubi quietly cheered, conscious of the fact that he was talking out loud. It was nice to feel grass and air again. He had decided to gain Naruto's trust first. That way it would be easier to convince the stupid human to release the seal.

**"Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to-and-fro? Do you tie them in a knot? Do you tie them in a bow? Do you hang them over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your ears hang low?" **Kyuubi sang, making Naruto look thoroughly retarded as he weeded the garden, with dozens of Shadow Clones all over and they all song in unison. He also sang really loud and off-key. Which wasn't that hard with Naruto's annoying voice.

"Naruto, shut up. You're making my ears bleed," Sasuke insulted, holding his ears for effect. Wait, was that blood leaking between his fingers?

"God, Naruto! Shut up! You are so stupid!" Sakura pitched in, mimicking Sasuke. He, of course, didn't listen to what she had to say.

**"This song goes on forever! Do your ears hang low?" **Kyuubi started again. This caused the rest of Team 7 to moan in despair. At least, until Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke and be replaced by a log, him having used Substitution Technique.

"Naruto, I'll kill you if you don't shut up!" Sasuke threatened, while in extreme pain.

**"Shut your mouth before someone puts something in it,"** Kyuubi snapped back, making Sasuke's mouth shut and his blood rush to his cheeks. It took Sakura a second before she realized what Kyuubi meant.

"NARUTO! YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO SASUKE-KUN LIKE THAT?!" Sakura screeched in a voice that broke Kyuubi's ears, causing him to have to heal it quickly with his demonic chakra.

**"Shut up. It's not like you're doing anything to help get this mission done. You're just stalking the bastard,"** Kyuubi snidely insulted the pink-haired girl. She glared right back, unable to accept that he was right.

"Shut up, Naruto. I'm doing more than you are!" she retorted, completely ignoring the fact that Kyuubi was the one weeding the garden and she was just staring at the ice-cube.

**"Ok then, how many weeds have **_**you**_** pulled up?" **Kyuubi challenged. Sakura thought about it for a minute. Then, realizing he was right, stuck up her nose.

"It doesn't matter! I pulled more than you!" she snapped, not admitting she was useless. By this point, Sasuke had run off.

"Naruto! What the hell are you doing?" Tsunade yelled as she arrived on the scene. It appeared that Sasuke went for help.

"In the middle of my backswing?!" Naruto shouted. Kyuubi gave him back control when he saw Tsunade. No reason for _him_ to get in trouble!

"What?" Tsunade asked. Backswing? What backswing? Naruto, meanwhile, was yelling at Kyuubi. Finally, he figured out it was possible, but he thought he had to scream his thoughts.

"Something wrong, Naruto?" she asked deceptively sweet. She had noticed his silence and his facial expression looked like he was constipated. Naruto froze and Kyuubi smirked in his mind.

**'What are you going to do now?'** he taunted Naruto. Naruto took a breath before deciding.

"Nothing's wrong, Baa-chan! I've just been hearing these voices in my head... they're really aggravating!" he lied, hoping that nothing would happen to him.

"Voices? Naruto, you need to come with me. I'll sort it out for you," Tsunade ordered. Naruto inwardly groaned and Kyuubi laughed at his misery.

"Alright, Baa-chan! Are you going to do some super-cool technique on me?" Naruto asked excitedly. Maybe she _could_ get Kyuubi to shut up!

**THELINEISBACK!**

As you can imagine, Naruto was not pleased when Tsunade led him to the hospital to knock him out. When he woke up he was in a straight-jacket in a white padded room. He promptly began to freak out and scream like a little girl.

Kyuubi, meanwhile, was sitting in his cage. The water was annoying, but it was only a matter of time before he was free. After all, the human mind can only take so much and Naruto _was_ only human.


End file.
